Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
There's always time for handjobs
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
