sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
