I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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