I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
