I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
