ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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