Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
