Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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