Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
