Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
