I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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