I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
