Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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