You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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