he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
