How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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