i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
