just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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