Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
