I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
