Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
