I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Randomize