she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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