he shaved USA in his pubs
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
So many bounce houses so little time
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize