We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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