then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
