If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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