You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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