he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
