I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
