I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
