Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
