Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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