Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
