pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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