That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
