I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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