she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
