There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
