just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
