they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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