i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
