I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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