I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
