i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
