There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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