i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
