If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
