just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
smell my finger.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
