Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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