god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
