According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
