If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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