Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Randomize
