If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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