Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
