So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
