Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
